It's 2am

Last week I did four night duties in a row. Not usually so bad, except my brain and body have had issues coming back to regular sleeping schedule since.. not matter what I have tried.

I suspect I'm in a bit of a hypo manic state perhaps? I go to sleep and without fail within 2-3 hours I'm wide awake, feeling fresh and feeling sleepy again is hours off. Around 5am I'll feel sleepy again but won't really sleep well after that. I recognise I need good quality sleep for optimal brain functioning and mental health purposes...

I tried to go to bed early tonight. I think I was sleep by about maybe 10pm? Wide awake just before 1am I think... a good improvement from the previous days by a long shot but now it feels like time sped up on me. How is it 2am??

I lay here contemplating what it would be if I were on no medication. I'm a mental health nurse so I like to think I'd survive but I'm not convinced I am arrogant enough to believe that. I've got some high stress points coming up over he next year or two which would actually "benefit" from the hypo manic states but those depressive states are what worry me and I'm not about to throw myself under the bus mental health wise.

I want to be strong and confident in all areas of life so I think maybe a medication review is definitely in order.

I'll talk to my doctor.

believe in yourself - a letter to myself

Dear Rebecca

You need to be kinder to yourself. Really. You need to have more faith in your abilities and what you can offer. Offer to people, your profession and to yourself.

Just in the past 12 months you have:

Graduated from University in a profession that a fair chunk of people look at in awe
After graduating you were offered TWO graduate positions
You successfully lived by yourself and learned to appreciate silence and your own company
You became stronger in mind and body (even though your mind felt like it was failing 80% of the time)
You were successful in gaining further employment
You were successful in gaining a position in the incredibly competitive Midwifery program


You are smarter than you think
More resourceful than you believe
And above all else, are worth it.

Believe in yourself and your ability to achieve your dreams. Some dreams will change shape, form or be completely different than what you thought, but you can do what you set your mind to.

It's OK to change your mind. It's OK to chase after different dreams. It's OK to dream.

Just believe in yourself. You can make it happen.

Love Rebecca.

2014, you weren't great

Last night I stood on the top of a hill with some of my favourite family members. We were waiting. Waiting for the new year. Waiting for the old year to quickly become a memory. Waiting for 2014, an incredibly hard year on the family, to vanish and for new hope to come forward.

While I know that a "new year" cannot erase the shittyness of 2014, and nor  does it minimize the heartache, it was a symbol. That we had gone to war, lost some soldier's on the way, and come out the other side holding hands and having battled together.

As I stood on top of that hill with my nearest and dearest I thought about the year that had been. The first half was great! I landed a new job I loved, got a new car, moved into a unit and lived alone, upped the ante on my health and fitness path and met someone who I thought I could be with for the rest of my life.

Literally the second half of the year turned to crap. I was broken up with a week before I turned 30, it was discovered an innocent little baby in the family had a rare genetic disease and died, followed by a friend's mum dying, then my uncle, then my cousin. The job I thought I loved quickly grew thin on me. I love my profession and know I can make a difference at some point but the department I was in? No. It was mostly quiet and this gave me too much time to think about everything that had gone on.

Up on that hill, while contemplating the last 12 months and waiting for fireworks, it began to rain on us. Icing on the cake of a shit year? From midnight on with the fireworks in the distance, the rain grew heavy. Hugs were given. Tears were shed. The rain quickly became a symbol of washing away the crappiest year to date. And none of us complained about being soaking wet. We had a group hug in the pouring rain and I felt incredibly blessed. We had gone to war and pushed on together. The emotional and mental wounds may take a lifetime or more to heal but we aren't alone.

And with that thought I decided to dance/twirl in the rain.

Welcome to 2015.

this time last year

This time last year I weighed at my heaviest ever.

I jumped on the scales* one morning and glanced at the numbers. Horrified. Mortified. I stopped in my tracks and went "crap, this needs to change". Between the end of October 2013 to the middle of February 2014 my weight, according to the scales had dropped about 5-6kgs. I was happy with that but needed/wanted to make more of a change

- From the middle of February up until July I was utterly obsessed with jumping on the scale to monitor the change in my body. Outwardly I was making great progress, people had noticed and made lovely comments and in the photos I could see a difference, too. Both in photos and when I looked in the mirror the change was becoming evident. 

- Then life happened. In the last two months with life being so crappy I've not stepped on the scales. And I reluctantly looked in the mirror, not wanting to see how my emotional state was effecting my physical state. Although I can see in photos that my body is changing, it's still a struggle to 'see' the difference when I look in the mirror. Some days are better than others. 

- I had lost almost 20kgs from this time last year up until July. The scales now measure a 14kg loss, but my style of training has changed. I do a mix of cardio and strength training. My body shape is still doing the changes it is doing and I don't take too much stock at the number on the scale says. It doesn't measure the effort I put in over the 9 months. 

My body now does things it couldn't do 4 months ago, 1 year ago or even 5 years ago. Some days my eating is better than others. But that is life. I won't give up. It's no longer about losing weight for me but changing my body and pushing it to do things it couldn't do previously.

*I have since learnt that scales CANNOT define who you are as a person, what your body is actually composed of or measure your self worth.